Allegedly true. Mostly true. Largely undisputed.
It started at the DMV.
Jason was there to renew his license. Nicole was there to confront a stranger about a piece of mail.
Through a series of postal errors the United States Postal Service has, to this day, declined to explain, a letter intended for one Jason Grass — currently on a cruise, living his best life — had landed in Nicole’s mailbox. She had opened it. She admits this freely. She brought it with her to the DMV fully prepared to roast its owner.
She got to the counter at the exact same moment as the only Jason Grass currently on dry land.
“Are you Jason Grass?”
“I am Jason Grass.”
“Then this is yours. I read it. It said your license is about to expire — but it turns out that’s a different Jason Grass, who lives two streets from me, and is currently in the Bahamas.”
The DMV clerk asked if they were together.
Without quite meaning to, they both said yes.
They have been ever since.
Then came the dogs. Then came the floor.
They came with backup. Each.
Jason brought Jagger — a mini bernedoodle who, by independent witness consensus, looks exactly like a raccoon. Specifically: a raccoon who has been politely asked to attend a job interview, and is trying very, very hard.
Nicole brought Cleo, a cocker spaniel. Cleo is sweet. Cleo is loved. Cleo is, by any peer-reviewed standard, not the sharpest dog ever assembled. Cleo mistakes the rug for the yard. Cleo mistakes the kitchen counter for a buffet. Cleo mistakes the doorbell for a personal attack on her honor. Cleo has, on more than one occasion, lost a stare-down with a throw pillow.
The first time the dogs met, Jagger sniffed Cleo with the cool detachment of a librarian assessing a slightly damaged book. Cleo, in response, peed.
This was, in retrospect, a metaphor. Nobody is sure for what.
Today there is, on most floors, a Cleo puddle. There is, on most counters, a Cleo crime scene. There is, on most evenings, Jagger silently judging the entire household from the rug, doing his best raccoon-attending-a-job-interview impression. Sometimes he nails it.
It is, on balance, a happy life.
Addenda
- Jason’s license remains valid for another four years.
- The other Jason Grass returned from the Bahamas and is, as far as we know, also fine.
- The Postal Service: no comment.
- Jagger pleads not guilty.
- Cleo declines to comment.
- The rug is a separate, ongoing matter.
- Cleo (cocker spaniel, naughty, see above) does not approve of being left out of the wedding game. Whisper her name on the Race to the Altar intro screen — or tap the title five times — and she’ll show up.
— Jason & Nicole —